The Bishounen Theories
by Jukashi
Summary: Progress: Chapter 2 now up! Summary: A harmless documentary on bishounen which eventually goes horribly, painfully, humorously wrong!
1. It begins

The Bishounen Theories  
  
by Jukashi  
  
A/N: Hey, peeps. If you've read this before, you may notice that it's changed. I hope it's changed for the better, but the only real change is the addition of an actual plot. There is now (hopefully) an element of mystery underlying the crazy antics now, and a plot that will be revealed later. As before, this fic spans a great many book and game universes that I am interested in, so it's very unlikely that you'll get all the references. There will be many spoilers for those universes, and SERIOUS OOC-ness (That's Out-Of-Character-ness for you untutored types.) None of these characters belong to me, except myself, Katelin and Eyani'ela in this chapter, and other characters noted at the beginning of every chapter they first appear in. I'm doing this for myself, so I can practise my writing, but I hope you'll enjoy it.  
  
DUN DA DA DUN DA DUN DUNN!!  
  
/THE BISHOUNEN THEORIES\  
  
Narrator: Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to a production by Ori Studios, to a show studying the varieties and mysteries of bishounen. We hope you will enjoy. Now, for your first easy primer:  
  
(Katelin pulls in Sephiroth, from Final Fantasy (ff7)  
  
Katelin: This is a bishounen.  
  
(Katelin pulls in George W. Bush)  
  
Katelin: This is NOT a bishounen.  
  
Narrator: WASN'T THAT EASY!?  
  
By definition, a bishounen is a "long-haired pretty boy". HOWEVER, to be a true bishounen, they must be capable of placing their walking limb to a certain amount of posterior. They must also look somewhat like a girl. If they have any overly manly qualities (bulging muscles, square jaw, chest hair, etc.) They are NOT true bishounen, with a few exceptions.  
  
Now, let's meet some of the different breeds of bishounen! First, the famous Silver-haired breed.  
  
(Katelin lines up Sephiroth, Kuja (ffIX) and Ramirez (from Skies of Arcadia) and sits them on seats in the centre of the studio)  
  
Sephiroth: Are we on?  
  
Ramirez: DIE!!  
  
Kuja: Does he have to be here?  
  
Katelin: I think so... Dilandau might be more capable of holding conversation, but I can't find him.  
  
Sephiroth: (Sits silently, twiddling his thumbs)  
  
Ramirez: DIE!!  
  
Katelin: (Looks suspiciously at Ramirez, then walks over to him)  
  
Ramirez: Die?  
  
Katelin: (Grabs Ramirez and pulls his mask off)  
  
GASP!  
  
Kuja: GASP!  
  
Sephiroth: GASP!  
  
Ramirez/Dilandau (Escaflowne): Curses!  
  
Katelin: I thought so!  
  
Kuja: Same hair, same swordsmanship, same obsession with certain words...  
  
R/D: BURN!  
  
Kuja: ... We should have known!  
  
Narrator: Um... Anyway. Let's have a look at this fascinating breed of bishounen! How many here have tried to destroy the world?  
  
All bishounen: *Raise hands*  
  
Nearly all Silver-haired bishounen try to destroy the world. If, in Escaflowne, Dilandau found some way of doing so, he would probably have destroyed the world too. Probably to see the pretty flames of Armageddon.  
  
R/D: Fire is good!  
  
Narrator: Indeed. Silver-haired bishounen are the most powerful breed of bishounen, and it may be possible to gauge their power by a quick glance at their hair. First, we look at Sephiroth, the acclaimed "Most Powerful of All Bishounen Ever", _Silverus Kickassus_  
  
Sephiroth: Jenova?  
  
Katelin: Look at the hair. See how straight and free-flowing it is. Note its length. All the way to the hip.  
  
Sephiroth: Uh...  
  
Katelin: This bishounen is particularly tall and well formed, and is an excellent example of a more powerful individual.  
  
Sephiroth: ... Excuse me, but...  
  
Katelin: Hmmm? Oh, right. (She gives Sephiroth a bishie treat)  
  
Sephiroth:!!!!! (Eats it, then curls up and purrs happily)  
  
Excellent, Now we move on to the second most powerful of the group, Kuja, _Silverus Girlius_. How ya doing, Kuja?  
  
Kuja: Fine... Are you going to study me the same way you did him?  
  
Katelin: Yes.  
  
Kuja: I won't do it.  
  
Katelin: We'll give you a bishie-treat.  
  
Kuja: Uh... no!  
  
Katelin: We'll give you TWO bishie treats. One now, one when we're done.  
  
Kuja: Oh... okay. (Eats the treat she gives him and purrs happily like Sephiroth did)  
  
Katelin: Now, this bishounen's hair is wavy, and reaches midway down his back. Also, he has feathers in it. See the amount of makeup he wears, eyeliner, lipstick, the works. This bishounen carries no weapon, but unlike the others, wears armour. Not that you could really call it armour, since it's too skimpy to be any use. Lower, he wears little but boots and bikini bottoms. Note the curve of the hips, body and shoulders. This one cares a lot about how he looks. Many would think he's gay, but actually, most gay men look quite normal, and an individual such as this, while not being quite straight, is not likely to be wholly homosexual. Easily the most girlish bishounen I've ever seen.  
  
(Kuja starts to complain, but Katelin gives him his other bishie-treat)  
  
Finally, we look at Ramirez/Dilandau, _Silverus Insanitus_, a very interesting specimen!  
  
R/D: DIE!!  
  
Katelin: Of course. Does he know any other words?  
  
Maybe. You'd have to ask one of Escaflowne's cast.  
  
Katelin: Right. HEY HITOMI!  
  
Hitomi: (In the audience) WHAAAAAAT!?  
  
Katelin: DOES DILANDAU SAY ANYTHING APART FROM BURN AND DIE?  
  
Hitomi: YEAH! (Turns more towards Dilandau) WASUUUUUUPPP!?  
  
R/D: WASUUUUUUPP!?  
  
(Katelin knocks them both unconscious before it can go any further. She goes to Ramirez/Dilandau and examines him)  
  
Katelin: Right. This bishounen's hair goes to his shoulders, and he is the weakest of these three. He wears military clothes, and a sword at his side. A simple sword, which just shows that he, has no need for fancy ornamentation. (She opens one of his eyes) More of an icy expression than the others. He rose to power in some armed forces or another. Altogether, it indeed seems the longer the hair, the more powerful the Silver-haired bishounen is. Back to you, Narrator Guy!  
  
Narrator: All right! That's the Silver-haired bishounen done with. With them out of the way, lets move on to the blonde bishounen! These were a bit harder to find, but we have found three that are bishounen-like. Instead of examining them, we will be interviewing them, since they're less likely to go crazy and homicidal. Please welcome the first, from the Sword of Truth series of books, Darken Rahl!  
  
(Darken Rahl walks in to the tune of that song by Chumbawumba that goes " I get knocked down, but I get up again, you're never gonna keep me down", I forget it's name, and sits in the first seat.)  
  
D. Rahl: I'm evil, yet sexy.  
  
Sephiroth: Wha- HEY! (Sephiroth and Kuja stand up indignantly) Why do they get a flashy entrance and we don't?  
  
Because I only just thought of it and I'm not going back and changing it! So quiet down!  
  
(Sephiroth, Kuja, and the still-groggy bishounen fusion Ramirez/Dilandau sit down. Kuja crosses his arms and grumbles.)  
  
Right. Anyway. *Ahem* All the way from the events of Escaflowne, comes Alan Shazaar!  
  
(Alan strides into the studio to the tune of "Mambo no. 5", blows kisses to all the women in the audience, and sits down.)  
  
Alan: I've had a romantic relationship with nearly every recurring female character in Escaflowne... Twice! Except Merle... (Cups his hands and shouts to Merle, who is in the audience) YOU WILL BE MINE, MY DEAR!  
  
Merle: (shouting from a distance) DROP DEAD!  
  
And finally, a man sought after by cinema-going women the world over, so much that we had to give him bodyguards, all the way from Middle-Earth... Legolas Greenleaf!  
  
(All the audience turns to the door. Gimli (Legolas' dwarf friend, those of you who might not know due to living under rocks) pokes his head out, looks around, and then beckons to someone outside. Legolas comes out, flanked by Steiner (ffIX), Lulu (ffX) and, bringing up the rear, Boromir. Hey, that rhymed! Legolas peers about nervously.)  
  
Legolas: ... N-no fangirls?  
  
Gimli: Not that I can see! Let's go!  
  
(Suddenly, a generic fangirl leaps out of nowhere!)  
  
Fangirl: LEGOLA-  
  
BOOOOOOOM!  
  
(Lulu blows on her smoking finger as the girl's twitching body hits the ground.)  
  
Steiner: Incredible! How did you gain such skills, Lady Lulu?  
  
(As Lu opens her mouth to speak, a generic fanboy also leaps out of nowhere!)  
  
Fanboy: LU-  
  
BOOOOOOOOOOMM!!  
  
Lulu:(Lowers her outstretched hand.) Need I say anything? Can we get some white mages out here?  
  
(Garnet, Eiko, Yuna and Rosa (all from Final Fantasy games) run out with stretchers, load the charred fans onto them, and run out making "Huthuthuthut" noises.)  
  
Boromir: And here was me expecting an army of fangirls after Legolas. How boring.  
  
(An army of fangirls appears out of nowhere!)  
  
Gimli: You HAD to say it.  
  
Boromir: Oops.  
  
Lulu: Go on, you deal with them.  
  
Boromir: *sigh* Righto.(Faces the approaching army of fangirls) Hmm... Did I ever say I don't fight women? (Thinks for a moment) I don't think I did! YAAAAAARRGH! (Raises his sword and charges in).)  
  
Bow-wielding elf fangirls:(Shoot him, riddling his body with arrows. Boromir collapses.)  
  
Legolas: Oh Elbereth! They killed Boromir!  
  
Gimli: You-  
  
Boromir: (Suddenly leaps out and starts kicking ass again)  
  
Gimli: ...Oh.  
  
Machine-gun wielding Mafia Fangirls:(Fill Boromir full of lead. Boromir falls down.)  
  
Legolas: Oh Elbereth. They killed Boromir.  
  
Gimli: You-  
  
Boromir:(Stands up, and once again starts dishing out merry hell.)  
  
Gimli: *sigh*  
  
FanCatgirl:(Steps out from the retreating armies of Female Fandom.) I am Eyani'ela the Swordscatgirl! And I shall have the object of my desires!  
  
Boromir: (Stands sword planted in the ground, standing firmly with his legs slightly apart... apparently not noticing that he is bleeding profusely.) None Shall Pass!  
  
Eyani: Then I shalt smite thee down! (Draws her sword.)  
  
Boromir: I said, None Shall Pass! (Attacks her)  
  
(The two swords clash repeatedly as the two opponents dance around each other, each searching for an opening. But the warrior of Gondor stumbles on a trailing cable, and the catgirl takes her chance, slicing Boromir's free arm from his body!)  
  
Eyani: Ha! I win! Now, to- (looks up, and narrowly blocks Boromir's downward stroke.) Hey!  
  
Boromir: (Bouncing energetically on his toes.) Well? Fight!  
  
Eyani: I cut your arm off!  
  
Boromir: ........ No ya didn't!  
  
Eyani: Yes I did! Look!  
  
Boromir: (Looks down at his shoulder as if seeing it for the first time)... I've had worse!  
  
Eyani: ...  
  
Boromir: Come on, ya pansy! (He attacks her. However, in his enthusiasm, he leaves himself wide open and Eyani easily cuts off his other arm. Boromir looks at it for a while.)  
  
Eyani: NOW I win for sure! Nyah nya- ow! (Boromir has kicked her.)  
  
Boromir: Come on! (Kicks her again)  
  
Eyani: You've got no arms, you silly ****!  
  
Boromir: (Pauses in his pathetic attack)... It's just a flesh wound!  
  
Eyani: (Her tail lashes around behind her in annoyance. Her face shows disbelief.)  
  
Boromir: I'll show you! I'm gonna WIN! (Starts kicking her again) I'm INVINCIBLE!!!  
  
Eyani: (Shaking her head in disbelief, she cleanly chops his head off. His head lands just in front of the audience.)  
  
Boromir's Head: All right. We'll call it a draw.  
  
Aragorn: (Comes down from the audience and picks up Boromir's head.) Alas, poor Boromir... I knew him well.  
  
Boromir's head: No you didn't, you liar!  
  
Aragorn: YAAAAA! GETITAWAY!! (Throws the head as far as he can. It goes out the skylight, smashing it.)  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Denethor: (Sitting, about to start on a bowl of soup) I wonder how Boromir is doing?  
  
(Boromir's head flies thorough the window and lands in the bowl, splashing soup everywhere.)  
  
Denethor: ........... AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGH!!!!!  
  
(Beregond rushes in)  
  
Beregond: What is it, Lord!?  
  
Denethor: THERE'S SOUP ALL OVER MY BEST STEWARDING SUIT!  
  
Beregond: Ooh... That's never going to come out.  
  
Denethor: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  
  
Back in the studio...  
  
Legolas: ...Oh Elbereth... She's killed Boromir...  
  
Gimli: ...You bastard...-ette...  
  
Eyani: Finally! I claim my prize! (Looks over and sees that Legolas has already been seated and a protective glass screen put around him while she was fighting.) Aww... (Goes up, sits in the audience, and crosses her arms huffily.)  
  
Legolas: Well... I'm Legolas... I'm a wood elf... and the author can't think of a catchy phrase for me.  
  
(In the audience, hundreds of fangirls scream and wave banners professing their love for him.)  
  
Well, they're all here! Let's get started on the interviewing! And don't worry blondes; the silvers have said they won't mercilessly slay you in their angsty way. Don't even THINK about how they've all been shameless liars!  
  
(The silvers all glare in unison at the blondes, who lean back nervously.)  
  
Katelin:(Sighs, and sits in her chair in front of the three.) Okay, Darken-  
  
D. Rahl: Please. Call me Father Rahl.  
  
Katelin:... No. (Rahl crosses his arms and grumbles for a few seconds, then regains his icy smile.) So tell us about yourself. I understand you're a wizard, with the gift for additive magic and the knowledge of subtractive?  
  
D. Rahl: That's right.  
  
Katelin: .... And you also spend your time repeatedly returning from the Underworld in an attempt to wreak havoc, enslave the world to your Dark Master's will in return for immortality, and generally pester and agitate your son, Richard?  
  
D. Rahl: He always forgets me on father's day.  
  
Katelin: I believe you've tried to kill him on several occasions.  
  
D. Rahl: ........ And? He's too melodramatic. You should hear him. "Oh no, me and Kahlan have been separated, we'll never see each other again, boohoo. Oh hooray, we're back together again against impossible odds. Oh no, we're separated again, and the usually misleading prophecies say bad stuff's gonna happen. Oh hooray, the prophecies were talking about good stuff really, and we're back together again. Oh no, we've been separated again and I'm going to die horribly for some reason..." and so on.  
  
Katelin: Right. I really think you should be silver-haired, you know.  
  
D. Rahl: Aww, thanks! I tried, but they wouldn't let me join.  
  
Katelin: Oh? Why not?  
  
(She turns and looks at the silvers, who are all nonchalantly twiddling their thumbs, whistling, and looking in other directions. Katelin glares at them, and they wince. They get into a huddle and talk in lowered voices to each other. The words "Die", "Burn" and "Jenova" are heard several times. They unhuddle, and Kuja is pushed in front of the group.)  
  
Kuja: Uh... (Thinks: Dammitcan'ttellhertherealreasonmakeoneupmakeoneupshe'ssodamnSCARY...)  
  
Katelin: Well?  
  
Kuja: It's... because... er... well...  
  
Katelin: What's the problem?  
  
Kuja: Uh... People are going to get angry... (He turns to the other silvers, but they frown and gesture for him to continue.) ... um... it's because... weeellllllll... he's.... (His face becomes more serious) It's because he's not from an anime or video game, that's why!  
  
Katelin: What!?  
  
D. Rahl and Legolas: (Stand up) WHAT!?  
  
(Kuja winces, but the other two silvers stand next to him and cross their arms.)  
  
Legolas: THAT'S FLAGRANT DESCRIMINATION!  
  
Gimli: Yeah! You tell him!  
  
(Lucius Malfoy stands up from the audience in wrath, cane in hand.)  
  
Lucius: Book and film bishounen are equal to those in anime and video games! Even if we're not originally Japanese!  
  
Aragorn: You tell 'em, Lucy! (Gets hit on the head with the cane for calling him "Lucy".) Ow!  
  
Sephiroth: Jeno- I mean, shut up! You're too old to be a bishounen now anyway, and you were never able to kick enough ass!  
  
(Lucius, grumbling, sits down, but others stand up.)  
  
Ep. II Anakin: I have a ponytail, a following of women and also kick much ass, but I was never allowed to be a bishounen! Now I know why!  
  
Kuja: You're nowhere near pretty enough to be a bishounen!  
  
(Anakin sits down grumbling.)  
  
Anakin: This sucks. Don't you agree, Maul?  
  
Darth Maul: Soon we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. Soon we will have our revenge.  
  
Anakin: Is that all you ever say!?  
  
Darth Maul: Soon... reveal... Jedi... will... ourselves... have... soon?  
  
Anakin: Rrgh...  
  
Navi (Zelda: Ocarina of time): Hey!  
  
Anakin: What?  
  
Navi: Look!  
  
Anakin: (Looks around.) What!?  
  
Navi: Listen!  
  
Anakin: TO WHAT!?  
  
Navi: HEY! LOOK! LISTEN!!!  
  
Darth Maul: Soon we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi. Soon we will have our revenge.  
  
Random Black Mages (FFIX): KILL!!  
  
NPC: *sigh* Times are tough.  
  
Cornerian guard: Welcome to Corneria!  
  
Fighter: I like swords.  
  
Link (Zelda): Uaaaaagh!  
  
Fina (Skies of Arcadia): Thank you so much...  
  
Kirby: Hiiiiiii!  
  
Anakin: AAAARRRGH!!!! I'LL DESTROY YOU ALL!!! (Ignites his lightsaber and prepares to go psycho a la Tusken Raiders, but then Sephiroth drops out of the sky and impales him.)  
  
Sephiroth: .... Damn! Sorry, my aim was off. Wait, I'm supposed to be arguing with people!  
  
(He runs off, revealing the person sitting in the seat behind Anakin's, yep, you guessed it, Aeris, looking like she's having a heart attack from fear. Aeris is from ff7.)  
  
Tifa (ff7): *sigh* Yuffie, get Aeris' pills.  
  
Yuffie (ff7): Oops! Vincent said he had a headache, and I think I gave them to him!  
  
Tifa: Uh oh.  
  
Vincent (ff7): (Standing outdoors, next to the skylight broken by Aragorn.) YE'LL NEVAH TAKE ME ALIVE, MOOGLES! (Jumps through the skylight.) AAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA- *Thump*  
  
All: ............  
  
(Garnet and Yuna come in, load Vincent's body on their stretcher, and leave.)  
  
Legolas: ...... What were we talking about?  
  
Kuja: ...I forget.  
  
Katelin: Let's.... just get on with it. Alan, you're next. Tell us about yourself.  
  
Kuja: (Thinks: Phew!)  
  
Alan: Sure! I was a main character in Escaflowne, but now the plot's over I wander the planet looking for adventure. I'm one of Vaun's best friends, and when I'm not hanging out with him or my crew, I'm usually found helping my sister shop for clothes and shoes.  
  
D. Rahl: Oh, you have a sister?  
  
Alan: Yep! Look, there she is! (Points to Dilandau.)  
  
D. Rahl: ........ Riiiiight. (Shuffles his chair away.)  
  
Katelin: Well, Alan, you seem to have an interesting life. Any secrets you'd care to share?  
  
Alan: Of course! I can now reveal that I'm actually a cyborg!  
  
(Stunned silence)  
  
Alan: I was originally designed with the purpose of being the most charming, attractive creature to women in the entire universe! Look... (Turns around and lifts the hair off his neck to reveal a small panel with a knob labelled "charm level". It is currently set to 1.) This is the normal level of charm. Level two, or "Lynx effects" level... (He turns it up. Two beautiful women appear out of nowhere and stand next to him. He puts his arms around them and grins.) ... You can see its results.  
  
Legolas: Wow. (Looks at the dial, and reaches over to it.) So, what will level 5 be like? (He turns it.)  
  
Alan: No, don't-  
  
(the rest of his words are cut off as he is engulfed in a rampant tide of femininity.)  
  
Random girl No. 1: I got his shirt!  
  
R. G. No. 2: I got his pants!  
  
R. G. No. 3: I got his arm!  
  
Alan: AUUUGH! THE PAIN!  
  
Legolas: Oops.  
  
Kuja: We should help him...  
  
Sephiroth: ... Then do so, Kuja-san. Geez... all the whaite mages are in there...  
  
Steiner: And Lulu.  
  
(There is an explosion in the centre of the mob.)  
  
Lulu: STAY BACK, THE HAIR IS MINE!  
  
Cecil (FF4): (Sighs, then stands up and starts wading through the crowd, preparing his own white magic as he does so.)  
  
(Sephiroth turns to the camera.)  
  
Sephiroth: We'll be right back.  
  
-------------------------  
  
COMMERCIAL BREAK!  
  
-------------------------  
  
GARLAND + ASSOCIATES  
  
Trainers of Fine Villains  
  
Garland (ff1): Hello friends. Have you ever felt that you were better than other people? Stronger? Smarter? More EVIL? Then maybe you should consider becoming... a VILLAIN!  
  
Sauron (LotR): (Steps out) Once I was just a servant of the Dark Lord Morgoth. But now I raze, pillage, implement my plans for world domination and control a fine chain of Italian restaurants. EVIL Italian restaurants! And it's all thanks to Garland + Associates! (Accepts sack with currency- symbol-of -your-choice on it.)  
  
Garland: Yes, for just a pathetic 60,000 Gold starting fee, you will receive our special expert training! Whether you want to destroy the universe or just annoyingly keep coming back to fight the heroes, we can tell you what you need to know! Meet one of our expert trainers; Ultimecia! She will teach you how to possess people and how to give evil speeches!  
  
(Cut to Ultimecia (ff8) standing in front of a microphone, talking to a crowd of people.)  
  
Ultimecia: I will destroy you all!  
  
Crowd: *Cheers*  
  
Ultimecia: Then I will hunt down your families!  
  
Crowd: *Cheers*  
  
Ultimecia: And burn them to ashes!  
  
Crowd: *Cheers*  
  
Ultimecia: Hello? Hello!? (Taps microphone) Is this thing on!?  
  
(Back to Garland)  
  
Garland: All the students who walk out of our school do so -Uckk! (Dies)  
  
Garland (ff9): (Standing behind his namesake's corpse, bloody dagger in hand.) Fool. He should never have let his guard down. Un-escapable my bony old ass. (Notices his audience) Ahh! Uh... (Walks off camera...)  
  
(...But is pushed back on.)  
  
Garland: ...kill him, I get all his jobs!? I don't want... Eek!(Narrowly dodges several sharp instruments which fly past his head.) All Right, all right! *Ahem*(turns to camera) All the students who walk out of our school do so satisfied. Just ask Kuja, a graduate of our course!  
  
Kuja: I used to be just a random genome. But now, I'm greater than that! And it's all thanks to the wonderful courses offered at Garland + Associates! (Accepts a twin of the aforementioned sack)  
  
Garland: And you've never looked back?  
  
Kuja: No. I never wanted to be a random genome. I had always wanted to be... a VILLAIN!  
  
(Music starts, Garland stands behind Kuja, Rufus (ff7) and Seifer (ff8) join him on either side, forming the chorus.)  
  
****** Kuja: Oooohh, I'm a Villain and I'm okay,  
  
I scheme all night and I plot all day!  
  
Chorus: He's a Villain and he's okay,  
  
He schemes all night and he plots all day!  
  
Kuja: I burn down towns, I eat my lunch,  
  
I go to the lavatory,  
  
World Destruction down to robbing,  
  
All evil pleases me!  
  
Chorus: He burns down towns, he eats his lunch,  
  
He goes to the lavatory.  
  
World Destruction down to robbing,  
  
All evil pleases.... he.  
  
Kuja: Oh, I'm a Villain and I'm okay,  
  
I scheme all night and I plot all day!  
  
(Simultaneous) Chorus: Oh he's a villain and he's okay,  
  
He schemes all night and he plots all day!  
  
Kuja: I burn down towns, I kill and maim,  
  
I study evil lore,  
  
I take all power I'm offered,  
  
And then try take some more!  
  
Chorus: He burns down towns, He kills and maims,  
  
He studies evil lore,  
  
He takes all power he's offered,  
  
And then he'll take some more!  
  
Kuja: Oh, I'm a Villain and I'm okay,  
  
I scheme all night and I plot all day!   
  
(Simultaneous) Chorus: Oh he's a villain and he's okay,  
  
He schemes all night and he plots all day!  
  
Kuja: I burn down towns, laugh evil laughs,  
  
For betrayal I have the knack,  
  
I capture hero's love lives,  
  
But they always get them back!  
  
Chorus: He burns down towns, laughs evil laughs,  
  
For betrayal he has the knack,  
  
He captures hero's love lives,  
  
But just stares at her ra- (They all get slapped in one smooth, pleasing motion.)  
  
Kuja: Ahem. Ooohh I'm a Villain and I'm Okaaaaaaaaaaaaayyy...  
  
Believe me when I say  
  
I'M NOT GAY!!!  
  
******  
  
Enrol in Garland + Associates today!!!  
  
------------------------  
  
+++++++++++++++  
  
------------------------  
  
Are you getting tired of the USUAL adventuring fare?  
  
Frodo (LotR): Ho hum, dried meat and bread for breakfast again.  
  
Sam (LotR): And apples, Mr. Frodo.  
  
Frodo: Sam, you used all our apples to cook pies for the pie-eating contest with Pippin, remember? That's why we had to take him to the hospital.  
  
Sam: Oh yeah.  
  
Frodo: I wish we had something else to eat...  
  
Gandalf (LotR): (Jumps out from behind a tree) WELL WISH NO MORE!  
  
Sam + Frodo: AAAUUUGH!  
  
Gandalf: Yes! From the people who brought you Lembas (One bite will fill the stomach of a grown man) (TM) now comes the breakfast cereal with THE POWER OF THE OCEAN! (He holds out a box of cereal) Ulm-O's!  
  
Frodo: (Suddenly eating Ulm-O's cereal at a table indoors) Wow! It's Valar- iffic!  
  
Gandalf: And now for a limited time, specially marked boxes of Ulm-O's come with... (Holds out action figure) ... A FREE BEREN ONE-HANDED ACTION FIGURE WITH REAL SILMARILLION-STEALING ACTION! (He puts the action figure on the floor and presses a button on it's back. It walks mechanically out the door.)  
  
(Pause)  
  
Angry Elvish Voice: (Distant) AW CRAP! NOT AGAIN! CURSE YOU, VALAR!!  
  
Manwe: Sigh... I hope he'll lay off the kinslaying this time.  
  
(Author's note: Sorry, but you won't have got those jokes if you aren't familiar with the silmarillion.)  
  
------------------------------  
  
COMMERCIAL BREAK END  
  
------------------------------  
  
Announcer: We interrupt your regularly scheduled program to bring you... plot foreshadowing!  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Ansem (Kingdom Hearts): Muahahaha! Haha! And so on!  
  
Riku (Kingdom Hearts): Why are you laughing maniacally?  
  
Ansem: Because the powers of Darkness flow through me... I have to satisfy the cliche. Dark powers = maniacal laughter. Yes, the Darkness... My powers grow, and Darkness shall consume my enemies! YES, DARKNESS! SOON, MY PLANS WILL COME TO DARK FRUITION!  
  
Riku: What plans are these, Ansem?  
  
Ansem: All in time, Riku. We must be as patient as the Darkness, as it awaits, beyond the realms where light holds sway...  
  
Riku: It's not the plan where we knock them unconscious and steal all their pants, is it?  
  
Ansem: Wha... No!  
  
Riku: Oh, then it's the one where the heartless replace all their clothes with copies exactly one size larger.  
  
Ansem: No!  
  
Riku: It's not the one with the cow and the pink paint, is it?  
  
Ansem: NO, DARKNESS DAMN YOU! THIS IS A SERIOUS PLAN!  
  
Riku: ...Really?  
  
Ansem: YES!  
  
Riku: Oh. That's a nice change.  
  
Ansem: (Glares at him.) Come, Riku. You must meet our newest ally in Darkness.  
  
Riku: Ally?  
  
Ansem: (grins) Of course. We cannot do this alone...  
  
(He and Riku turn towards the door, which opens to reveal the shape, dark even against the shadows beyond the door, of a man in a cape, with two eyes glowing red in his face. This is all that can be made out.)  
  
Ansem: HAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Riku: *sigh* Why am I still here?  
  
Shadowy figure: (Shrugs)  
  
*CHAPTER END* 


	2. The chapter with plot

The Bishounen Theories- Chapter 2  
  
"The Plot Densifies"  
  
Disclaimer: See first chapter. Additional disclaimers: Kid Phoenix belongs to himself. The "Men in Tights" song does not belong to me, but I did change its lyrics. I have a tendency to use unnecessarily long words. Pray forgive me. Also, despite appearances, I actually like Vincent. I just like him better in a slapstick violence situation.  
  
Important note: When I say bishounen, I mean what it's generally taken to mean, not what it actually means. Among other reasons, I'd have to call most of them biseinen if I did that, and that would confuse everybody. So if you were going to point out anything like that, just halt the nerve impulses to your vocal cords, alright?  
  
To my reviewers: Thank you! I intended to reply to you, but that would take effort that I would rather put into writing the story. I DO have reasons for the majority of the things that were pointed out, though, so no worries, eh?  
  
Excuse for chapter delay below.  
  
**********  
  
(We are in a small room with a shiny computer. Slouched in front of the computer is a young man with long brown hair, glasses and a short beard, wearing a black pullover. This is the author, Jukashi. Standing behind him is a slightly immaterial young woman, human-shaped but with pale silvery smooth skin, large, long cat ears, a small black triangle nose, blue shoulder-length hair, a powerful reptilian tail with a tuft of blue hair at the tip, a pouch, and two small black wings protruding from two slits in the back of her t-shirt. This is Katelin, Jukashi's muse, conscience, inner critic and general psychological and imaginary handywoman.)  
  
Jukashi: (Looks up) Ah, ba na weep ba weep ninny bong(It's a universal greeting)! You've caught me at a bad time. You see, I had a second chapter to my incredibly funny fanfiction, "The Bishounen Theories", but after reading it through a few times I, and my muse here, Katelin...  
  
Katelin: Hi. Remember me?  
  
Jukashi: ... Discovered that it was, unfortunately, complete and utter crap. So that's my excuse for the delay: I have to write a new second chapter. I'd also like to mention my good friends Kid Phoenix and Nuckpang, who will not only be making appearances in my story but are authors themselves! They are in fact writing a joint story together. Not that it's any good, but they're my friends so go take a look, 'k?  
  
Voice: OI!  
  
Jukashi: Uh-oh.  
  
Kid Phoenix: (Walks in) Are you besmirching me and Nuckpang's writing skills without permission? You know what I said about doing that, back during that time, you know, the time with the pangolin.  
  
Jukashi: Yes, yes, of course, I'm doing nothing of the sort, old chap, not at all...  
  
K. Phoenix: And another thing: I would never use words like "besmirching", it's not what I do! You're portraying me out of character!  
  
Jukashi: Why, didn't you read the disclaimer when you came in?  
  
K. Phoenix: Uh...  
  
Jukashi: You didn't, did you!? It EXPLICITLY states to expect Out Of Character-ness.  
  
K. Phoenix: Damn. He's got me there.  
  
Jukashi: (Sticks out tongue)  
  
K. Phoenix: Well, you're going to use some of my ideas, aren't you?  
  
Jukashi: You mean like the one about FFX's Yuna talking in stereotypical Ebonics?  
  
K. Phoenix: Yes!  
  
Jukashi: After MUCH deliberation the committee decided it was too stupid for words.  
  
K. Phoenix: Oh, all right. (Rounds on Katelin) And why do you have a pouch? You're no marsupial!  
  
Katelin: Why not? They're dead handy, y'know.  
  
***  
  
THE SHOW MUST GO ON!  
  
***  
  
(Our viewpoint slides into the studio, which is unaccountably in a state of ruin. Several people are about the place, cleaning up as best they can. Sephiroth stands in the middle of the floor, looking around at the toiling people. As the camera closes in on him, Kuja comes up and taps him on the shoulder, indicating toward us as he talks to Sephiroth.)  
  
Sephiroth: Ah, hello again! Jenov- I mean, Lifestre- DAMN! *ahem* As you can see, we have a spot of trouble. As you may remember, the last chapter saw Alan Shezaar being ripped apart by the feminine hoards. If you don't remember, go back and read it again! Looking at the chapters of this story out of order can cause plot holes to open in your brain! Fortunately for Alan, Kuja-san got Black Waltz 2 to fly him out.  
  
Black Waltz 2(ff9): (Straightens up from the cleaning efforts behind Sephiroth.) Howdy!  
  
Black Waltz 3(ff9): (Walks up with a bucket and mop.) I exist only to kill...... DUST BUNNIES! (Brandishes his mop at some dirt.)  
  
Black Waltz 1(ff9): (Pops up.) He's Murder On Stains (TM).  
  
Ramirez/Dilandau: (Sitting behind drums) * comedy drum beat *  
  
Sephiroth: Um... Yes. Anyway, an unfortunate side effect of this was that the hordes of women went on a bit of a rampage until Alan's artificially enhanced charm could wear off. Thus, you now find us in this clear-up operation. Or you did, anyway. BACK TO WORK, SLACKERS! (cracks whip)  
  
All: Aww... (Resume cleaning)  
  
Kuja: Anyway, Seph-sama, as I was going to say... We cannot find Vincent Valentine. The White Mages had managed to save his life, but he was still unconscious when they stampeded Alan. He disappeared sometime afterwards.  
  
Sephiroth: Maybe he just woke up and wandered off on his own?  
  
Kuja: With two broken legs? And no materia?  
  
Sephiroth: Hmm. I see. *sigh* Dammit. He was the only black-haired Bishounen we could get in time! Now we only have one person for the Unusual Colors segment.  
  
Kuja: Actually...  
  
Sephiroth: .... What is it?  
  
Kuja: Seymour's refusing to do it on his own.  
  
Sephiroth: ... Deal with him.  
  
Kuja: *Bows slightly* Yes, Seph-sama.  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
Tidus (ff10): So then he says "What's a Vale for?", and she says, "An Aeon, silly!"  
  
Terra (ff6): Oh, yes. So funny. Ha ha ha. (Makes a face)  
  
Tidus: Well, excuse me for trying to lighten the mood.  
  
Link (LoZ: Ocarina of Time): Lighten the mood!? Tidus, look at our present situation!  
  
(The camera pulls away to reveal the three heroes tied together with rope, slowly progressing on a conveyor belt towards a large circular saw. They are being watched over by Kefka (ff6) and Ultimicia(ff8). Ultimicia is hugging Kefka tightly and has horseshoe-eyes.)  
  
Kefka: I keep telling you, you damnable descendant of Hyne! Get off me!  
  
Ultimicia: But you're a klown! I love klowns! They're kool, an' kreepy, an', an'... an' KUTE!! I'm never going to let you go!  
  
Kefka: ARRGH! (Looks over to the heroes) Right! I'm going to leave you here, where you obviously can't escape, and find a crowbar or something to rid me of this accursed speech-impedimented Sorceress!  
  
(Kefka shuffles slowly out of the room, dragging Ultimicia on the floor behind him)  
  
Tidus: ... Cute couple, don't you think?  
  
Terra + Link: (Give Tidus strange looks)  
  
Link: You're weird!  
  
Tidus: No, I'm not!  
  
Terra: That's enough about Tidus's strangeness, Link.  
  
Tidus: Heeeey!  
  
Terra: How will we get out of this soon-to-be-bloody mess?  
  
Link: Terra... Just turn into an Esper.  
  
Terra: Do I HAVE to?  
  
Link: Maybe not! It's Navi!  
  
Navi: Hey!  
  
Link: Quick, Navi! Untie these ropes!  
  
(Navi quickly floats down and... steals Link's wallet.)  
  
Link: HEY! HEEY! THAT'S MINE! COME BACK HERE, YOU LITTLE *bleep bleeep blip bleeeep*  
  
Tidus + Terra: *sigh*  
  
Tidus: Esper time.  
  
Terra: I know, I know... *ahem*... TRANSFORM! (Turns into her Esper form)  
  
Tidus: Ooh, glowing fuzziness...  
  
Terra: Get off!  
  
Link: You ARE weird!  
  
(Terra frees them from the conveyer belt using her magic. Once they're free, she turns her wrath on the machine and blows it's gears out.)  
  
Terra: ... And never, ever, try to cut me in half again!  
  
Tidus: Say, Terra...  
  
Terra: *sigh* Yes?  
  
Tidus: Why is it that when you transform, you're naked, but when you turn back, your clothes return?  
  
Terra: NO! YOU FOOL!  
  
Tidus: What'd I do!?  
  
Terra: There I was, nicely avoiding the laws of causality, but YOU had to ruin it all! It won't work now that you've pointed it out! I have to find some clothes before I turn back!  
  
Link: Should be interesting. (Pulls up a chair and takes out some popcorn) It's only a matter of time.  
  
Terra: (Kicks Link out the roof and over the horizon.)  
  
Tidus: That was a bit much.  
  
Terra: Shut up, and find me clothes or something!  
  
Tidus: Use these! (holds out two censor bars).  
  
Terra: .......  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile...  
  
A bar on a city street. People are hanging around the entrances of nightclubs nearby in growing impatience, wondering if their chance to get in will ever come. This bar is fully lit and emits the sounds of merriment, but there is no-one trying to get in. Suddenly, Yugi (Yu-Gi-Oh) and Bakura (The same) come flying out, followed on foot by the bouncer who threw them, dusting off his hands)  
  
Bouncer: And stay out! Damn kids, sneaking in, bothering the ladies... (goes back in)  
  
Bakura: We're telling you, it wasn't us! It was our Yami selves!  
  
Yugi: He's not gonna listen. You should tell your Yami self to not try stealing money from strippers. They always notice.  
  
Bakura: Oh, like yours was a big help! Going on about proving himself the King of Drinking Games and then threatening to "send" the barkeeper to "the shadow realm" because he refused to keep serving him after he stuck olives on all his hair-spikes and fell off the stool...  
  
Yugi: Stupid Yami forms. Get themselves drunk and leave us with the hangover...  
  
Bakura: Yeah...  
  
Yugi: So... Whatd'you want to do now?  
  
Bakura: I dunno... Whatd'you wanna do?  
  
Yugi: I dunno... Whatd'you wanna do?  
  
Bakura: I asked you first!  
  
Yugi: Weeell... You like time travel... and I like belly dancing... so whatd'ya say we combine the two, and-  
  
Suddenly, Link comes hurtling down out of the sky, and strikes the ground head-first with a resounding crack before collapsing into a limp heap.  
  
Yugi: ....  
  
Bakura: ... I think he's dead...  
  
Yugi: Wait... what's that?  
  
(A fairy apparently floats out of links body, and circles around him)  
  
Fairy: FREE! FREE AT LAST! HA HA! SUCKS TO BE YOU, HERO OF TIME! (Flies off)  
  
(The fairy dust that fell from the fairy gently lands on links corpse, and...)  
  
Link: (Opens eyes and suddenly jumps right up into a standing position) I'm okay!  
  
Yugi + Bakura: AAH! UNDEAD!  
  
Link: I'm not undead! I fight them sometimes, but I'm not one of them!  
  
Yugi: Oh.  
  
Bakura: I suppose that's alright, then. We've had problems with the undead.  
  
Link: Really?  
  
Yugi: Vampires, in particular.  
  
Bakura: Stupid Kain... Stealing our magic beans... grumble...  
  
***  
  
Meanwhile, in the dark-cave...  
  
Ansem: Come, sidekicks! To the Darkmobile!  
  
Riku; We don't need to use the darkmobile!  
  
Ansem: Yes we do! The Darkmobile is for emergencies, and this is one! Truly, the Darkness of this time is...  
  
Riku: Running out of milk is NOT an emergency!  
  
Ansem: (Whiny) But Rikuuuu, how will I eat my "Darkness-O"s!?  
  
Riku: Sigh. Vincent, back me up here.  
  
(The camera swivels dramatically to centre on a coffin, lying on the floor of the lair. The lid suddenly flies off, and a misty darkness pours from within. Vincent Valentine suddenly rockets out of the coffin, somersaults, floats in the air two meters above the ground and gently alights on the floor, the darkness flowing off him like a billowing cloak. Instead of his usual red and black garb, he is now wearing a version of it that is completely black, save some silver scrollwork. His scarf, no longer concealing his face but draped around his neck, is now a dark blue instead of red, and his eyes glow crimson behind a pair of dark glasses.. He has two guns holstered on a large belt going around his waist, which also has a number of other items hanging from it.)  
  
Vincent: Dammit, these new clothes itch like crazy... (scratch scratch scratch)  
  
Ansem: Vincent! YOU think not having any milk constitutes an emergency, don't you? This fool, in his Dark-brained state, says...  
  
Riku: I am not dark-brained!  
  
Ansem: Of course not, you're Dark-brained. It has a capital D.  
  
Riku: GRAAAGH! (Sweat drop)  
  
Vincent: (Starts walking towards them) Well, we do need milk, Riku, almost our entire food supply consists of breakfast cereaAAAH! (Trips over a bench and falls on his face. He gets up again, staggering sideways as he attempts to get his balance back.) Dammit, who put that there! I -(Walks into a roof support) OW! (Stumbles backwards... and falls down a stairs) WAAAAAAA- Oof ow dammit! (WHACK) Crap! (THUNK) F***! (CRASH) OW! (SLAM!) AAAAARG! (THUMP!)  
  
Riku+ Ansem: ...  
  
Vincent: Oooooooww...  
  
Riku: I told you, dark glasses in a poorly-lit environment are -  
  
Ansem: Shut up, just... shut up, right? Darkness is cool, whatever the situation.  
  
Riku: Cool, maybe. But not safe.  
  
Ansem: Didn't I tell you to shut up?  
  
Vincent: Vision... fading.... the darkness is... so beautiful...  
  
Ansem: I could have told you THAT.  
  
Riku: (Thinking) I can't think how these idiots could possibly be thought of as a threat...(sigh) But I suppose I'll have to keep watching. I've been fooled before, after all...  
  
***  
  
MYSTERIOUS!  
  
***  
  
A long corridor, lined with doors, stretches before us, intersecting with another in the distance. There is not a sound, until...  
  
Tidus' voice: Maybe there's some clothes in HERE!  
  
(Sound of door opening, and a sound as of many balls falling out of an overstuffed closet.)  
  
Tidus' voice: Damn. MORE stupid pink blitzballs.  
  
(The camera slides forward and turns the corner, revealing Terra and Tidus standing in front of a door. Terra is in her human form again, and, lacking clothes, is making an attempt to cover herself with a smallish flag, some string, and a gamecube. Fortunately for this story's rating, two floating censor bars are availably to make up these item's failings. Tidus is standing closer to the door, and is waist-deep in a pile of glowing pink blitzballs.)  
  
Terra: Hurry up and try the next door! I'm freezing my particulars off!  
  
Tidus: (Struggles out of the pile) What IS this place, anyhow? Is it some kind of maze of randomness?  
  
Terra: Close enough. It's a maze spell, cast by a wild mage. Kefka must have gotten one from the Forgotten Realms over to do it for him.  
  
Tidus: Say wha'?  
  
Terra: I am a magic user, y'know. I have to know things.  
  
Tidus: You didn't know that trap was there.  
  
Terra: Still thy tongue.  
  
Tidus: (Instead of stilling it, he sticks it out at her, then goes over to the next door and tries it.)  
  
Train beyond door: (Races toward him!)  
  
Tidus: (closes door)... I wanna go home...  
  
Voice: TOO BAD!  
  
Tidus: Huh?  
  
Kid Phoenix: (Rises slowly from a trapdoor that has just appeared in the floor.) Tidus, you have commited the uttermost crime of fanfic writing... You have PLAGIARISED ONE OF MY JOKES! For this you are compelled to accept my challenge... The challange of a court summons, a summons to the court of... JUDGE JUDY!  
  
Tidus: Bring it on, Biznatch!  
  
Terra: Oh dear...  
  
*********  
  
IT'S TIME FOR SOME WACKINESS!  
  
*********  
  
(A crowded courtroom, filled with characters from various universes. Kid Phoenix and Tidus look at each other darkly from their positions of prosocution and defence. Barret(ff7), dressed as a policeman, strides into the room.)  
  
Barret: All rise.  
  
Several people: (Stand up)  
  
Barret: Hah! Yer out! Go on... get out o' here!  
  
Outed people: (slink out in shame)  
  
Barret: Alright, Simon Says all rise.  
  
Everyone: (Stands up)  
  
Barret: Excellent. Enter the honourable Judge Judy!  
  
(Nothing happens)  
  
Everyone: ?????  
  
(Sounds of a scuffle in the Judges' chambers.)  
  
Petulant voice: Hey, what are you-  
  
(Chainsaw sounds.)  
  
Petulant voice: AAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGHHHH!!  
  
(Chainsaw stops.)  
  
Everyone: (Silence.)  
  
(Sounds similar to those of robes being put on.)  
  
(Pause)  
  
Zelda(Games with her name): (Enters, wearing judges robes and a crooked red wig.) Here I am! Please note that I AM Judge Judy, and definetly not the princess of Hyrule in a poor disguise! Isn't that right, Samus, Krystal?  
  
Samus(Metroid): (Holding bloody chainsaw and attempting to clean a mysterious red liquid off her armour.) That's right!  
  
Krystal: (Starfox Adventures): (Holding Zelda's princess clothes.) Of course!  
  
Nameless extra: Come off it, missus! You carn't possibly be Judge Judy!  
  
Judge Zelda: Um, of course I can, look, I've got the wig and all...  
  
N. Extra: Yeah, roight!  
  
Krystal: (Makes gesture at Samus.)  
  
Samus: Hmm? Oh, right.  
  
N. Extra: An' that's not all! If you ladies think-  
  
(Suddenly, a chainsaw comes flying out of ABSOLUTELY NO-WHERE and embeds itself in his chest.)  
  
N. Extra: This is wot oi get fer 'avin' unimaginative parents! (dies)  
  
Inu-Yasha(His own series): Feh.  
  
Barret: On with the trial!  
  
J. Zelda: Tidus, you stand accused of plagiarism of Kid Phoenix's "Vale for" joke. How do you plead? Innocent, guilty, or not guilty?  
  
Tidus: Not guilty!  
  
J. Zelda: So you did it... but you're not guilty about it.  
  
Tidus: That's right.  
  
K. Phoenix: Hah! A confession! how do you expect to get away with it NOW!?  
  
Tidus: With my two lawyers!  
  
Squall(ff8): Whatever.  
  
Leon(Kingdom Hearts): Whatever.  
  
Zidane(ff9): You go, Tidus! You da man!  
  
K. Phoenix: Well, aren't you well off?  
  
Tidus: Sure am!  
  
K. Phoenix: But you forget, I'm writing a Lord of the Rings fanfic... So I have access to... THE NINE NAZGUL LAWYERS!  
  
(The door at the bottom of the court bursts open, and The Nine enter as mist spills into the room. They encircle Tidus and his lawyers as the slowly begin to open their briefcases...)  
  
K. Phoenix: HA-HAHAHAHA!  
  
Meanwhile, in the street outside...  
  
Tellah(ff4): I am but an old man, my eyes are bent, my toes are crinkled and my nose knackered, slowly crossing the road without looking both ways...  
  
Zell(ff8): (comes hoverboarding down the street) Look out, old man!  
  
Tellah: What?  
  
WHUMP!  
  
At that exact moment, back inside the courtroom...  
  
(The Nazgul suddenly turn their heads and screech in unison as they hurry out the door leading to the street outside, where ambulances can now be heard in the distance.)  
  
K. Phoenix: Damn you, easily-distracted Ringwraiths!  
  
J. Zelda: Well, now how will we decide the trial?  
  
Terra: Actually, your honour, I've had the most strangely compicated yet plausible idea...  
  
Later...  
  
J. Zelda: (Wearing Samus' armour.) Well, that seems to have worked well, strange method though it is to decide justice.  
  
(Everyone in the room is for some reason holding a balloon and wearing the clothes and hairstyle of the person to their left.)  
  
Samus: (Wearing Krystal's weird tribal bikini-thing.) Can't... Breath... Bones... Deforming... Narrating... Own injuries...  
  
Krystal: (Somewhere inside Barret's police outfit.) Oh shush, I'm sure you'll regain your original shape in a few days... Stupid policeman's outfit... (Mutters in dinosour language.)  
  
Barret: (Dressed like Maechen(ffX)) hWhat hwas that about my siize?  
  
Krystal: Nothing!  
  
J. Zelda: (Bangs Samus' gun on the plinth.) Silence! Tidus has been found guilty! Take him away!  
  
(Barret and Samus grab Tidus' arms.)  
  
Barret: hWould you hlike to heah about our prisonns?  
  
Tidus: NO! NO MAECHEN VOICE! ESCAPE!  
  
(Tidus wiggles free and produces his sword from nowhere, as Final Fantasy characters often do.)  
  
Tidus: Stay back! I've got a full overdrive bar and a hankerin' ta use it!  
  
Maechen: You'd better do as he says!  
  
J. Zelda: RANGERS!  
  
( The doors suddenly collapse inward, andAragorn charges in, followed by dozens of rangers popping out of unlikely places and somersaulting at a dramatic camera angle towards Tidus making "Hyaah!" noises. They quickly surround Tidus, tie him up, and toss him out a window.)  
  
Tidus: I WILL RETUUUUUURRRRRrrrrrrrrnnnnnnnnnnn..... (THUMP)  
  
(Silence.)  
  
J. Zelda: ...Was that really neccasary?  
  
Aragorn: (Shrug.)  
  
J. Zelda: Oh well, I'm SURE it won't have any major repercussions to, say, THE PLOT. Anyway. Back to our original clothes, everyone!  
  
Everyone: (Cheers, and then rushes towards the door at the same time.)  
  
SPLAFATHUMPLAFUMP!  
  
J. Zelda: Uh... Oh dear.  
  
(Yes, you guessed it... They're all stuck in the door!)  
  
Samus: Still... can't breath!  
  
Inu-yasha: A demon of my arrogance shouldn't need to put up with this! Get out of my way, puny mortals! Feh!  
  
Ranma(Ranma 1/2): Shut up!  
  
K. Phoenix: Puny! That's it! Krystal, you're small! Wiggle free!  
  
Krystal: I'm wiggling, I'm wiggling! Aah! Someone's got my tail!  
  
Zidane: YOUR tail? I thought that was MY tail!  
  
Squall: Whatever.  
  
J. Zelda: Urf.. rrg... aagh!... RANGERS!  
  
Aragorn: Swiftly, my fellow rangers... push!  
  
(The rangers mass behind the trapped people and push with all their might... but to no avail!)  
  
Aragorn: Hmm... Try kicking!  
  
(The rangers attempt to kick the people through the door...)  
  
Barret: Arrgh! My pancreas! Watch it, fools!  
  
(...But find no success!)  
  
Aragorn: Curses. Looks like i'll have to try... SOMETHING DRASTIC!  
  
Everyone: Gasp!  
  
Zidane: Hey! My bit! He's stealing my bit!  
  
(Aragorn walks to the other side of the courtroom, and then turns back towards the door. The other rangers get out of the way. Aragorn then charges down the room, straight for the people in the door... not noticing the chair which has fallen in his path!)  
  
Aragorn: SPOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNN!  
  
Rangers + People: WATCH OUT FOR THAT-  
  
CRACK-WHAM!  
  
Rangers + People: OOH!  
  
Aragorn: ... (Gets up) ...Valar damn it! (He goes over and leans on on the squirming mass of people as he attempts to think of a solution... and in leaning on them, causes them all to pop out the other side of the door, right down the stairs on the other side.) Oops.  
  
Halbarad( LotR: RotK): Don't worry. I'm sure they'll be all right.  
  
Moments later, at the bottom of the stairs...  
  
Ranma: *groan*  
  
Inu-Yasha: Ha! I'm perfectly all right!  
  
Ranma: Actuallly, it looks like your left knee is bending the wrong way.  
  
Inu-Yasha: Feh! This is nothing!  
  
Krystal: I think Barret cushioned my fall... hey, I'm wearing my own clothes and hair again!  
  
Samus: My armour's back on me, but the legs are on my arms and the arms are on my legs...  
  
Zelda: (Looks at herself) My dress... Barret's shirt... Kid Phoenix's hair...  
  
(The two Squalls stand up. One has the Squall hair and the Leon clothes, and the other has the Leon hair and the Squall clothes.)  
  
Squall 1: Dammit, how do we know which is Squall and which is Leon?  
  
Squall 2: Eh... who cares?  
  
Squall 1: Yeah.  
  
Both: Whatever.  
  
After a bit of sorting out...  
  
Aragron: There you go. I'm sure the Squalls will remember who's who eventually.  
  
Zelda: Thankyou, Mighty middle-earth rangers! But, um, may I ask...  
  
Aragorn: Yes?  
  
Zelda: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU ALL WEARING TIGHTS?  
  
Aragorn: Ah, those. It was Arwen's idea.  
  
Samus: ... Why!?  
  
Halbarad: Eell, um, with the tights...  
  
Aragorn: We can do... THIS!  
  
***  
  
(Music begins. The rangers all line up, and begin... to sing.)  
  
We're Men, Rangers in Tights. We go out and campaign For Halfling rights.  
  
We're Men, Rangers in Tiiiiights. We kill those orcs and Evil things, That's Right!  
  
We maaaaaaay look like Eeeeeeelf men,  
  
But watch what you say Or else we'll put out your lights!  
  
We're Men, Rangers in Tights! Always on guard 'gainst Creatures of the night  
  
Dahdahdahdahdahdahdah  
  
(Do the Can-can! Kick those legs, Rangers!)  
  
Laa, la la la la LA LA la la la la LA LA La la la la la LAH LAH LAH lah lah la la  
  
Laa, la la la la LA LA la la la la LA LA La la la la la la la la la.  
  
We're Men MANLY MEN! Rangers in Tights - Yes!  
  
We're out whether in sun Or in moonlight.  
  
We're Men, Rangers in Tiiiiiiights. We watch the dwarves drink ale And break up the fights.  
  
We maaaaaay look quite Giiiiiirly,  
  
But watch what you say Or your back may sprout a knife!  
  
We're Men, Rangers in Tights TIGHT tights!  
  
Always on guard Defending by day or niiiiiight....  
  
When you're in a fix Just call for the Rangers in Tiiiiiiiights! DUNEDAN!!  
  
(Music end)  
  
***  
  
Samus: Wooo!  
  
Zelda: That was great!  
  
Aragron: Thank you, thank you...  
  
Krystal: I thought I'd die laughing...  
  
Voice: You may yet!  
  
Everyone: HUH?  
  
Elrond(LotR): There is a line in that song which insults elvish men. The Elvish Defamation Council thus demands that this song be stricken from the record, and in order for that to happen... Everyone who heard it must die.  
  
Halbarad: And who's gonna kill us, huh?  
  
Elrond: Why, we will.  
  
Aragorn: We? There's just you!  
  
Elrond: Yes. Me. But the great thing about me....  
  
(Elrond grabs his robe and tosses it off, revealing a black suit over a white shirt. He calmly takes out a pair of sunglasses and puts them on.)  
  
Elrond / Agent Smith(The Matrix): ... Is that there are so many of me!  
  
(Hundreds of Elronds/Agent Smiths pour into the area from all directions, and surround the group, quickly eliminating all those that have not yet had any lines.)  
  
Barret: Those damn fools! If they'd actaully done something they wouldn't be just nameless cannon fodder!  
  
Zelda: Come on. Let's kick some ass. FOR HYRULE!  
  
Barret: FOR DA PLANET!  
  
K. Phoenix: PHOENIX SMACKDOWN!  
  
Inu-Yasha: FEH!  
  
Aragorn; SPOOOON!  
  
Halbarad: DRAGON BALL Z STYLE!  
  
Ranma: MOKO TAKABISHA!  
  
Krystal: CRAZY LIKE A FOX!  
  
Squalls: WHATEVER!  
  
Zidane: PROTECT GIRLS!  
  
Maechen: WOULD YOU LIKE TO KNOW HOW I WILL KICK YOUR ASS!?  
  
Samus: DIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!!!  
  
Elrond/Agent Smith: As you say... Bring it.  
  
(Everyone strikes a fighting stance.)  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
  
Y'know, I think that's a good place to break off and leave this scene until the next chapter, eh? Ha ha, cliffhanger! Onward with a different part of the story.  
  
--------------------------------------------------  
  
(A large shopping mall, full of people from various universes going about the business of shopping. Link, Yami Yugi and Bakura stroll into view.)  
  
Link: And then, right, I hit it with my sword, and it bounced back, like.  
  
Y. Yugi: And then I sent him to the shadow realm!  
  
Bakura: Then I woke up and I was in a jail cell with two hippopotami and Bill Clinton's very own upside-down back-to-front cabbage tree.  
  
Link: Bakura wins.  
  
Y. Yugi: NOOOO! I AM THE KING OF GAMES! I MUST WIN ALL!  
  
Bakura: It was only a Weird Last Line competition, Yugi, and yours was very unimaginative. It wasn't as if someone's life was on the line, which seems to happen with disturbing regularity these days.  
  
Y. Yugi: I don't have to take this. I'm going back to Yugi's subconscious.  
  
(Pause)  
  
Bakura: Well?  
  
Y. Yugi.: I don't wanna say it.  
  
Bakura: You cannot deny the will of Strange Logic. If we say "transform" when we change, than when we change back we-  
  
Y. Yugi: Oh, all right. MROFSNART! (Changes back into Yugi.)  
  
Yugi: What... Oh, right. Not in a strip club, liquor store, high-security prison or specifically adults-only place this time, I'm glad to see.  
  
Bakura: Great, isn't it?  
  
Link: That happen a lot to you guys?  
  
Yugi: Sure does. Hey, Bakura, remember the time we woke up in that apartment with-  
  
(THUMP!)  
  
(Wow, who would it be walking the other way but Ansem + Co.! What a story-driven coincidence!)  
  
Vincent: (Falls backwards) Ow! Gor' crikey, me bum!  
  
(A/N: IT IS FUNY BECUS IT IS OUT OF CHARACTAR!!! HA HA HA!!!!!1)  
  
Ansem: Watch where you're going, you Dark- (Sees Bakura.) YOU!!  
  
Bakura: ME!!  
  
Ansem: So, THIS is where you've been hiding!  
  
Bakura: Actually, I usually only come here every wedns-  
  
Ansem: SILENCE! Your Dark wit shall not save you this time, Bakura-kun! (Darkness gathers about him.)  
  
Bakura: But I thought you fled too, Ansem-san!  
  
Ansem: ... Oh yeah. Forgot that. Sorry, old habit. (Brightens up) Ah, of course! Bakura-kun, you can join my Dark legion!  
  
Vincent: I thought we weren't going to call ourselves legion until we got some more people...  
  
Ansem: Screw the details, It's a good name! Well, Bakura-kun?  
  
Bakura: If this "legion" of yours' purpose is as I think it is, then yes, I will join, Ansem-san.  
  
Ansem: BRILLIANT! Oh happy day, Bakura, that we are no longer separate, but joined in our common cause, to resist the oppression of- (Realisation flashes across his face, and he slaps his hand over his mouth.) Whoops! Can't go revealing that much plot just yet!  
  
Riku: Dammit! I wanted exposition!  
  
Link: You and what readers remain. Me and Yugi, we'd like to get some small part in the proceedings.  
  
Yugi: Yeah!  
  
Ansem: Silence. I will not reveal my motivations just yet. Especially not to you, Riku, until I know what purpose caused you to join me.  
  
Riku: ..... BUH?!?  
  
Bakura: (Looks at Rikku.) Hmm. I don't recognise you, and Ansem-san gave you no suffix... You are not...  
  
Ansem: He is not. He's natural.  
  
Riku: (Now utterly perplexed.) ...huh?  
  
Bakura: Wonder of wonders...  
  
Ansem: You didn't think I wouldn't notice, did you, Riku? You have secret motivations, though I don't think you intend any harm. I think you'll be a powerful ally, but I won't trust you just yet.  
  
Riku: I... suppose I'll just have to wait, so.  
  
Ansem: Excellent. Now, let us away from this serious plot mystery, and get back to the zany hijinx! TO YE GROCERY SHOPPE, MY DARK LEGION!  
  
Vincent, Riku + Bakura: AYE!  
  
Bakura: (Suddenly remembers Link and Yugi.) Oh. I'm sorry, but.. I have things of personal importance to see to, following Ansem... Do you mind?  
  
Link: 'Course not. I don't actually have anything better to do, so I'll probably follow you guys around for the heck of it.  
  
Yugi: Me too. (Thinks of something) Link, didn't you say you had to stop Kefka?  
  
Link: I don't think he'll be bothering anyone for a while.  
  
(Meanwhile, deep in the dungeon of a dark castle, Kefka vainly attempts to open the lock to his cage.)  
  
Kefka: Must... escape... must...  
  
Ultimicia: (Enters the dungeon) Kefka, dear, I just remembered! It's time for your bath! I got a new shampoo I just have to try on you, and then its time for me to have a tea party with the other Sorceresses and YOU get to serve us! I got this darling French Maid outfit just for you!  
  
Kefka: NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!  
  
(The walls of this dungeon have heard many screams of pain over the long centuries, but none such as this. It'll be a long night in the castle...)  
  
Back with the main plot...  
  
Yugi: Yeah, I get the feeling that Kefka is no longer a problem as well. Weird.  
  
Link: Anyway, we're sticking with you, Bakura. We want to find out what all this business is about!  
  
Bakura: You will... in time.  
  
Ansem: Bakura-kun, Hurry up!  
  
Bakura: Let's go.  
  
Yugi: Yeah!  
  
(They run off to join the Dark legion. The camera pans back... Revealing a solitary figure floating high above the city. She puts her hands on her hips, and a smile appears on her face.)  
  
Ryoko (Tenchi Muyo): Oh, but the "serious plot mystery" has only just begun, Master of Darkness. you're smarter than Washu thought, but you'd better take good care of Riku... or you'll have to deal with me. (She teleports away.)  
  
*CHAPTER END*  
  
Mysterious, ain't it? Yes folks, we actually have a real plot! Tune in again, whenever I manage to get it done! AUTHOR AWAY! 


End file.
